eRae

I'm tired of this.

I really like having this journal (I've had it for two years after all), but I think it's time to say good-bye to it for multiple reasons.

I might start a new one with a new name and a new site, so if you're actually interested in what I have to say in these dumb things e-mail me and I'll give you a link.

Bye.

Funny how some people think you're talking about them when you're not.

The thing about relationships is...it's never just the two of you. The ex will always hate you - it doesn't matter how guilty you feel (even though you have nothing to feel guilty about), or how much you can even identify with his/her situation - he/she will always hate you and think you are the most awful person on the planet, even if they liked you before.

Then, you have your own exes and the significant others that come after you. They hate you too. I even had the unfortunate incident last year of being stalked by one, which was downright creepy. Luckily that all worked out alright.

THEN you add in the people that have always had a huge crush on your significant other but was turned down...whoo buddy. In my experience, they are even worse than the two mentioned above. They are spiteful. They like to hurt you...or don't care that what they're doing is hurting you.

General FYI: Just so you know, I'm not going "Ha ha ha, I'm with him and you're not." Good grief. We fell in love with each other. It was not a plan devised to hurt you, or to make you feel or look dumb, if you think that is the case. It happened, and it was just meant to. We're getting married. I'm sorry that it hurts you, and I wish that it didn't. But it's real, and it's not changing, no matter what you do or say. I hate that you feel the need to strike out at me, and at him.

Another general FYI: I'm sorry that you don't like that I was with "your man". I would say that I regret my past relationships and wish they had never happened, but I'd be lying. It's not for the guys. They hurt me lots and didn't treat me all that well. No, I wouldn't give them up because of the path that I followed because I was with them. It led me to where I am now, a place that I am very very happy to be in. The past is past, and although they will always have just a tiny piece of my heart, I don't want anything to do with them in that way. They give good advice sometimes, and you can have conversations with them unlike with anyone else. But, yeah, it would be stupid and a waste of stress to place me on your worry list.

Sigh.

Humans are selfish. Annoying. Spiteful. Oh yes, spiteful and full of jealousy and also the need to feel better than other humans.

Does anyone else find it mind-boggling sometimes?

Chris left very very early this morning to go to Texas for his brother's wedding. I was invited, but felt it was rude to impose on his future sister-in-law, wrong for me to miss Fall Training (too), and I'm absolutely terrified to meet his family, and didn't want to do it while everyone was stressed out about his brother's wedding. (And, they don't know about the engagement yet, so...yeah).

This morning I woke up puking, which I then continued to do until around noon (ugh...). I am feeling better now, as long as I stay laying down a lot. Had to miss work :( which is bad because I need the money.

Saturday starts Fall Training. Woohoo (yeah right). The only thing I have to look forward to is getting to spend time with a couple of people I've really missed over the summer. Other than that, it'll just be the same stuff that I've gone through over and over and over again. I guess I'll just take my laptop and other things so I can get some work done on Fall Fest and Leadership Trip.

Well, I'm out for now. Time to finish laundry, my 9th episode of Gilmore Girls for the day, and go to bed. Ciao.

July/August 2006

Erin Long

will become

Erin Crowell Long (or something)

Oh, you should see the sparkly on my finger.

Wow, it really was quite a while between those last two posts, huh. A lot happened in that time. I guess I'll just go over the highlights:

My sister's pregnant!! I'm going to be an aunt for the 10th time, around Christmas!! I'm hoping it's a girl - if it is, she'll be named Megan with the nickname Nutmeg. Isn't that cute?

Chris and I are very serious. It's cRaZy, because I NEVER expected this with him. But everything just fits and he is everything I never knew I wanted. It's so funny to know now how long he's liked me, and why he did the things that he did. He's been working on me for a year and I didn't even know it! I am so grateful for him, and so grateful for my earlier loss, so that I could have him! I could just go on and on about him, but I think I'd look back at this entry and be embarrassed later :)

Family float trip was great! Chris went with us and met the rest of my family (the only person he hasn't met yet is Grandma, but we're going to fix that next weekend), and they love him! It was so nice to see everyone; I miss them soooooooo much.

Visiting Elephant Rock State Park, going to see Happy Jacket, planning and presenting Drive-in, moving in the NIC, planning Leadership Trip, planning Fall Fest, working on websites, watching Lois & Clark (the first season is on DVD now!!!!), and reading the new Nora Roberts and Harry Potter books (sooooooooooooooooo good!) are some other things I've been doing.

Well, that's all for now or I'll just start babbling. Ciao.

Lying here with you, Listening to the rain
Smiling just to see the smile upon your face
These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I found all I've waited for, And I could not ask for more

Looking in your eyes, Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything to me
These are the moments I know Heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for, And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than the love you give me 'Coz it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more

So, I am fairly buzzed/almost drunk at the moment off of many shots of rum chased by hard lemonade, and had the crazy urge to write in this. No idea why. Currently listening to my two kitty-cats, Dartanyon and Eeek, play with each other in my apartment. Chris and I just got done playing a round of Disney Scene It....it was rather fun. Summer has been fairly good...I like my job as a lifeguard, even if it is kinda dull, and it's been a ton of fun getting to spend so much time with Chris. I'm going to miss him lots once school starts and we're both so uber busy we don't have time to do anything. He's so good to me .

Hmm, I think I might be done already. I'm going to go to bed now. Goodnight.

Current Mood: drunk

Current Music: nothin

Dream Girl You scored 50% Estrogen, 68% Grace, 92% Sexiness, and 75% Intelligence!

You have a realistic sense of your femininity so that you can still hold rational conversations about things other than hair. Plus, you're sexy and kind to everyone you meet. When you walk into a room, people are sure to look and smile. You go, girl!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 64% on Estrogen You scored higher than 61% on Grace You scored higher than 87% on Sexiness You scored higher than 83% on Intelligence

Link: The WOMAN Test written by monkeyonfire on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Chris + red mustang convertible + good music + driving (ok, riding in a car that's going) over 115mph + experiencing donuts and t-turns (I think that's what they're called?) + stargazing + good conversation = Erin had a very good night

Try to tell me what I shouldnt do
You should know by now,I wont listen to you
Walk around with my hands up in the air
Cause I dont care

Cause I'm alright I'm fine

Just freak out let it go
I'm gonna live my life
I cant ever run and hide I wont compramise cause I'll never know
I'm gonna close my eyes
I cant watch the time go by
I wont keep it inside
Freak out let it go
Just freak out let it go

You dont always have to do everything right
Stand up for yourself
and put up a fight
walk around with your hands up in the air like you dont care

Cause I'm alright I'm fine

Just freak out let it go
I'm gonna live my life
I cant ever run and hide I wont compramise cause I'll never know
I'm gonna close my eyes
I cant watch the time go by
I wont keep it inside
Freak out let it go

You came so unexpectedly. I don't trust myself. I don't want to worry about it. I don't want to plan, or define, or take anything too seriously. I just want to be.

"Just so you know, my mom's Irish and my dad's Australian...I'm also part black and related to Dean Cain."

That's the best pick-up line EVER. Good job!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

10% Dixie

10% Midwestern

5% Upper Midwestern

5% Yankee

Your brain: 120% interpersonal, 100% visual, 80% verbal, and 100% mathematical!

Congratulations on being 400% smart! Actually, on my test, everyone is. The above score breaks down what kind of thinking you most enjoy doing. A score above 100% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 100% means you use it less. It says nothing about how good you are at any one, just how interested you are in each, relatively. A substantial difference in scores between two people means, conclusively, that they are different kinds of thinkers. Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice, which I think is obvious: Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 80%. Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 100%. Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 200%.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 90% on interpersonal You scored higher than 71% on visual You scored higher than 75% on verbal You scored higher than 69% on mathematical

Link: The 4-Variable IQ Test written by chriscoyne on Ok Cupid

One day there will be more red.



create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourCalifornia travel guide

I want to go to Ireland.

Brilliance, and a terrible, stunning beauty that ripped the heart even as it soothed it again. Green, impossibly green, the fields were broken by rambling walls of rough hedges or lines of stunted trees. Spotted cows or shaggy sheep grazed lazily in them, figures on tractors putted over them. Here and there they were dotted with houses of white and cream where clothes flapped on lines and flowers burst with wild and careless color in the dooryards. Then, wonderfully, inexplicably, there would be the ancient walls of a ruined abbey, standing proud and broken against the dazzling field and sky as if waiting for its time to come round again.

Once she saw an old man walking with his dog on the side of the road, and both man and hound wore little brown hats that she found absolutely charming. She kept that picture in her mind a long time, envying them their freedom and the simplicity of their routine. She wanted to walk those fields with a devoted dog, too. Just to walk and walk until she felt like sitting. Then to sit and sit until she felt like standing. It was a concept that dazzled her. Doing what she wanted when she wanted, at her own pace and in her own way. It was so foreign to her, that simple, everyday freedom. Her great fear was to finally find it, nip the silvered edge of it with her fingertips, then bungle it.

[talk about hiding away]

Imagine, she thought, not having to talk to anyone for several days in a row! Not being asked questions and being expected to know the answers. No making small talk, no feeling obligated to help anyone that comes along, no schedule that must be adhered to. After one moment of blissful pleasure about the idea, her heart fluttered in panic. What in God's name was she going to DO with herself?!

[go on with the day]

She glanced in the mirror and noticed that her eyes, usually a calm deep blue, were indeed a bit wild. The humidity had frizzed her hair so that it looked as though she had some wild, bark-colored bush on her head. Her skin was dead pale, a combination of anxiety and fatigue, and she didn't have the energy to dig out her makeup and try to repair the worst of it. She tried a friedly smile that did manage to convince the dimples to flutter in her cheeks. Her lips were a little to big, she thought, just as her eyes were a little too big, and the attempt was much closer to a grimace than a grin. But it was the best she could do.

Italics still from Jewels of the Sun, but it's still definitely me.

Obviously, without question, she'd lost her mind.

Being a psychologist, she ought to know. All the signs were there, had been there, hovering and humming around her for weeks. The edginess, the short temper, the tendency toward daydreaming and forgetfulness. There'd been a lack of motivation, of energy, of purpose.
Every morning the simple task of getting out of bed to dress for the day's classes had taken on the proportions of scaling a mountain. Worse, a mountain she had absolutely no interest in seeing from a distance, much less climbing.
Then there was the rash, impulsive behavior. Oh, yes, that was the final tip-off.

[all rash, impulsive behavior here]

But there was no point in brooding over it at this late date. She was what she was. Or had been what she was, she corrected. God only knew what she was now.
Maybe that was part of it, she mused. She'd been on some verge, had looked down at the vast, dark sea of sameness, of monotony, of tedium that was Erin. She'd inwheeled her arms, scrambled back from the edge - and run screaming away.
It was so unlike her.

[crazy train of thought here]

All she could do was press her fingers to her eyes until the image faded away.
This, she told herself, was just the sort of thing that happened when you went crazy.
She took a deep breath, then another. Oxygen to clear and calm the brain. As she saw it, she now had two choices.

She could calmly fill in her schedule with study times, meetings, and obligations like she always has, never say anything to offend anyone, and try to keep a respectable front so she doesn't jeopardize her future. Of course, catching up will be hard. It would take dedication and she could make herself do it, knowing it was the "right thing".

And then she'd look at herself in the mirror with blue eyes ful of disappointment. "Why can you never just live the way you want to?"

Miserable, she covered her face with her hands and rocked. She was one sob away from a crying jag. She felt it flood her throat, ring in her ears. Before the first tear could fall, she let her head roll back, squeezed her eyes tight shut, and cursed herself. Crying jags, temper tantrums, sarcasm and otherwise rude behavior were merely various ways of acting out. She'd been raised to understand it, trained to recognize it. But she was sick of giving in to it.

[talk of how much of an idiot she is]

She huffed out another breath, straightened her shoulders. "Second choice..."



But that's where the story ends for me. I don't know how that sentence ends in my book.



Italics are from Nora Roberts' Jewels of the Sun. Jude is ridiculously similar to myself. I hope my story ends some day the way hers does.

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine
You look so beautiful tonight
Reminds me how you laid us down
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
(let me rest in pieces)
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
(let me rest in pieces)
Pieces

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I am in your reach
You held me in your hands

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
(let me rest in pieces)
Would you find it in your heart
To make it go away
And let me rest in pieces
(let me rest in pieces)

Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
(let me rest in pieces)
Would you find it in your heart
(find it in your heart)
And let me rest in pieces
(let me rest in pieces)

I went to sleep 6 hours ago. Now I'm awake again, but I don't know why. I hope nothing's wrong.

Hmm...to work or watch Gilmore Girls again. That is the question.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
Psalm 25:16-21


Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:28-29

--------------------------------------------------------
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

---------------------------------------------------------
I've listened to the "footprints" poem a million times or more
Of how when only one set shows upon the sandy shore
It is the Lord carrying us and taking on our load
And His are the only set of footprints that showed.

But what if when we look there are no footprints to be found?
All we see is plain and simple sand upon the ground.
No imprints showing that our Lord is carrying us through life
Helping us when we feel we can not handle all this strife.
Where is my Lord now that I've fallen and can't seem to get back up?
So tired and lonely trying to deal with what seems an overflowing cup.
Where are those footprints in the sand to tell me He's right there?
Helping me with problems and showing that He really does care.
Does He have favorites, OH NO! Please tell me that's not so!
But why does life seem easier for some people that I know?
And sometimes I just scream out loud although it seems in vain,
but often it gets harder each day to deal with all this pain.

And then it dawned on me as I realize how simple could it be.
I wonder why I was so blind that I truly did not see.
It must have been a lightning bolt that one day gave me light,
Cause out of the clear blue sky, I finally regained my sight.
I saw a fluffy white cloud shaped like an Angel dear.
That helped me to understand and see things oh so clear,
That when I saw no footprints and so often wondered why,
My Lord carried me on Angel wings, when He decided to fly.